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I am not the easiest person to be friends with. I do know this, and I am acutely aware, often to a detrimental degree. Still, it seems that the longer I am friends with someone, the less of a friend I should be.

There are a few friends that I have had for over a decade, and it seems that I can’t do anything right. Out of one side of their mouth, they tell me that I have gotten better at handling the problems that Asperger’s creates. However, it seems that everything I do is wrong. I ask a simple question, and there is something in my tone that suggests that I am copping an attitude. I stay quiet about something, and apparently I should have spoken up. I speak up, and allegedly I should have kept my mouth shut. No matter what I do, it seems that I can’t do anything to satisfy the people closest to me. Ironically, these are the people I want to satisfy the most. Still, I can’t keep any of them happy, and I always seem to hurt them in some way that I will probably never be able to allieviate.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I started to talk to some new people, and there’s excitement. When I disclose that I have autism, they say that I seem perfectly fine. We don’t argue and bicker, but talk excitedly and with a bit of happiness. They don’t feel hurt while I feel both hurt and guilty for hurting, but I think that we all feel that we are simply having fun.

I wish that I could blame this on my friends. I wish that I could say that they aren’t being understanding enough or that they are too critical and expect too much out of me, that they are perfectionist and cruel…

But I know that this isn’t the case. My friends are some of the most patient people on the planet. They have put up with a lot from me. They problem isn’t them, but me. As I get closer to someone, I start to feel more relaxed and at ease. I don’t feel as though I have to bite my tongue constantly and have an anxiety attack over not only what to say, but how to say it and whether all of the complicated equations going on in my head were conducted without slightest mistake.

I start to be “myself.”

That’s the fatal flaw. I guess I shouldn’t let myself become so deluded that I can ever be truly accepted as who I am(or I should say, who I am stuck as being). I will always have to keep some of me bottled up and sealed away. I can’t be close to people, because if I am, I guess they are doomed to be hurt.

I just wish I knew how to stop it… but I don’t. I have a feeling that I never will. I just wish that I didn’t try so hard to be a close friend to anyone, since clearly I am incapable of being so.

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