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Monthly Archives: January 2011

The previous post I made was rather indungent on the “woe is me” front. I’ve almost made another friend, and haven’t managed to drive the other one off quite yet. I’m not trying of course!

Still, I will sometimes look at the photos of a few people that I know, and I realize just how many things I’m NOT invited to.

Probably in an average year, I go to… hmm… one “non-event” party. By event, I mean things like weddings and showers, of which don’t really reflect one’s fellow feeling, but more of an “I know you, come to this wedding… and bring a gift.” I am neither counting family reunions or business things, because those all have nothing to do with WHO I am, and more having to do with things that have got nothing to do with the “real” me.

I see photos of people that I see maybe once a year, and I always enjoy them, and wish I could spend more time around them. My friend, only one really, gets invited by our “group of friends” to all sorts of places. When I see the pictures, I remember what I was doing that day. Usually I was watching tv by myself, or maybe watching a movie with my mom. I know that it is never because I had something else to do. For instance, I like singing. Some people say that I sing quite well (I don’t always agree, because it depends on how much I like anything about myself that day). I used to karaoke with my friend, then the place shut down. I tried a new place, and it was just icky. It was music that neither of us care for, and there were skanky people, it just wasn’t right.

I find out later that there have been a couple of occasions were my circle of friends went to a karaoke place. Happy, smiling faces captured while enjoying a shared activity enter my eyes and then crash into my self-esteem. It is as if, instead of “wish you were here”, say “don’t care that you’re not here” or even “Glad you’re not here.”
True, I’m probably being overly sensitive. It’s just that nearing thirty years old, I’m tired of being excluded from EVERYTHING.

I guess when I call people “my circle of friends” I should really say “my friend’s circle of friends” since I’m not really in it. I wouldn’t want her to stop just because she’s accepted, I just wish that there was somewhere left for me!

I want to be part of a shape!